The Darkest Desert

Brighter days lay ahead

2006-01-19T14:23:00.000-08:00

I think that the tone of my poetry implies how I have been feeling for a while now. It is amazing that a person can actually function and do the things that need to be done on a daily basis...with a lot of pain lurking inside.
I have been going through the pain of a separation, which includes my 4-year old daughter. This was because there were people more important in my ex's life than me. It was also because she left her 'comfort zone' in Denver to come here...which ended up being a bad decision on my part to ask her to move here.
But just packing the car and leaving with my daughter, while I was recovering from surgery (a minor hernia repair) has left me bitter.
I know brighter days lay ahead. I know this in my heart.

When It Ends

2006-01-19T11:55:00.000-08:00

Heart battered
Dreams shattered
everything gone
that mattered
nothing left
emotions
scattered
nothing
left
everything
tattered

Eric Z.
12/2/04

What Is Goth? (Part 1)

2006-01-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

I deleted a previous post to write about this 'Goth' thing (for those interested) that I often refer to...I just thought it to be more interesting a subject; especially since I get asked a lot about what it means to be Goth.
And unfortunately, there is no easy answer. It is so complex an answer, I have to break into 'parts', as it were.
It means different things to different people who consider themselves goth. So here we go...I'll do my best...

Common and undeniable characteristics of goths are:

Goth is not evil, nor is it a religion: It is both a philosophy and an idealism of which personal beliefs are not discriminated. There are many Christian goths, there are many agnostic goths and many other types of goths. People who worship the devil are not universally accepted into this subculture. They represent the smallest percentage (roughly 3 percent).

No prejudices exist: People are accepted for who they are, no matter their color, beliefs, or sexual preference (the latter of which is subject to the personal beliefs of the Christian goth).

Creativity and self-expression: are two of the common elements that link all goths. The central idea that characterizes Goth is an almost compulsive drive towards creativity and self-expression that seeks to reach out and ensnare its audience using society's covert but deeply rooted fascination with all things dark and even scary. This act can be either subtle and seducing or scary, but it must play on what society secretly knows but can not acknowledge to itself about its duality. The mediums of self-expression and creation can be anything from a mode of dress to novels (i.e. Edagar Allen Poe) or music. Imagination and originality have always been key elements in Goth.

Not all goths are depressed: nor do they all wear black, listen to the same music, or employ the same modes of self-expression. This tends to make Goth-spotting a little tricky and creates part of the tangled confusion over what it is to begin with, but this diversity also is one of the defining factors.

Why the fascination with darkness? One of Goth's defining characteristics is the need to take the underlying darkness that is in all of us and bring it into the light in such a way as we can recognize it as what it is: an integral part of all of us, for better or for worse.

Goths do not hate society: They just do not embrace it at face value. Goths tend to be anti-social, but yet like to be seen. The shallowness and discriminatory attitudes common-place in todays society is what they do not seek. That's why they have their own subculture in which to harbor themselves.
Violence is out of the question. Those who have incorporated gothic elements into their personality and have acted violently are not Goth.

But I'm not goth...am I? The gothic mindset is usually naturally omni-present within the individual. People naturally tend to migrate or are attracted toward certain things. Goths tend to naturally migrate towards the dark...but not necessarily for bad reasons.
Many non-goths have incorporated gothic elements into their lifestyle once exposed to said idealism.

END OF PART ONE

Pure Hands

2006-01-17T21:00:00.000-08:00

SPONGEBOB?

2006-01-17T00:55:00.000-08:00

Someone sent me this picture... :)

Untitled

2006-01-17T00:30:00.000-08:00

Her heart it bleeds
for what it needs
a life spent
on good deeds
yet...
her heart it waits
hesitates
the pain inside
it suffocates
A life mistreated
hope depleted
Her life remains
uncompleted
holding tight
...the dream
...the pleasant theme
where true love
reigns supreme

...Eric Z. 6/2003

Pages Of Life

2006-01-15T00:25:00.000-08:00

Love's requiem

2006-01-15T00:00:00.001-08:00

Tear down
all your fences
Break down
your defenses
Put your gun
back on the shelf
I came here
...by myself
not to push
and not to shove
but only...
to give you Love

I am not so proud a guy that I cannot write about Love; especially being an amateur musician who's lyrics encompass all facets of life that I can possibly conjure. As such, I will be sharing some of my poetry intermittently on my blog.
Blogging has opened for me a new avenue of expression that is both rewarding and enlightening. Thank you my online friends, for all the encouragement you have shown me. I hope I can do likewise for you.
In the coming week, I also want to share some pictures of, among other things, instruments that I have. I didn't say I could play them LOL! But I give it one hell of a try.........

Lately

2006-01-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

...something disturbing has been bothering me, and I thought I'd post it here on my blog. I think blogs are cool because it allows us to express our thoughts in our own way. And most everyone that I've come across in this part of cyberspace are awesome...meaning ALL of you that have posted here on my blog :)
Problem is...I haven't been much in the 'posting mood' lately.
There is someone who's blog I had started posting on, and I think she actually did herself
in...yes...actually did herself in. And she said she was going to do so on her blog.
I feel bad for people who's lives are on the balance all the time, and I wish it was in my power to change things for them. But I know it isn't, and I know I can't. Because ultimately, we have to find it within ourselves to control our own destiny. I hate that this world is so cruel to some wonderful people, I hate that life has to be so difficult to navigate for some wonderful people, I hate when my own life becomes even remotely unbearable.
I get depressed. I lived amongst the gothic subculture all my life. I guess that's part of my natural disposition in light of all the futility of this world.
Thank you all for accepting me and visiting my blog, because I am not like most people I know or ever have known. The things that make most people happy don't necessarily make me feel that way. But stay with me, I've always some good things to say; just as I enjoy listening to you and your blogs.
Again, I had to vent...it is good to vent. Next time, I will be more cheerful :)

A Simple Pleasure

2006-01-12T23:30:00.000-08:00

LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS...my rant

2006-01-11T20:34:00.000-08:00

Posting on

Angel's

blog today really got me thinking. I stated that sometimes I think that long-term relationships aren't suited to today's society.
The success rate of marriages in America hovers around the 50% level. That's not very encouraging.
I also mentioned that today, we even live longer than our forebearers did 100 years ago. That translates into being with someone for a longer period of time; a longer time to test the virtues of patience.
There are also too many distractions in today's society. It's now much too easy to walk away from someone, even from children, and into another relationship. Non-accountability runs rampant.
Too many people are not happy even with themselves, be it of outward or inward appearances, or a combination thereof.
I do believe in long-term relationships, but I've even had some of my own go sour.
Exhibit A:
I am currently single, but not by choice. I'll save the nasty details and say that my ex-girlfriend just didn't like this little desert town of Alamogordo. She then made a conscious choice for my 4-year old daughter and moved back to Denver after about three months. So now, my daughter hardly sees her father anymore.
And that's my point: The respect for long-term relationships post-millenium is at an all-time low.
Do we (or our significant others) really need to look like movie stars to be happy? Do we really need the media to change the standards that God(if you are a christian) so ordained as sacred matrimony thousands of years ago?
I'm 44 and still single(married once for five yeas)...but I am not unhappy. I'm just dissappointed and somewhat disillusioned by the lack of accountability that I've encountered in my life.
Also, by virtue of being in a LTR in itself is no guarantee of mutual bliss.
Yet I remain forever the optimist that one day...

FIVE THINGS THAT.......

2006-01-10T17:43:00.000-08:00

....MAKE(OR DRIVE) ME CRAZY. I've been tagged by

Andrea

to list five things that make you crazy. If you are reading this, you have been tagged.

1. The lines at Walmart (the ONLY major store here in Alamogordo). There is NEVER a short line. What really irks me is people who pull out their checkbook AFTER the total is displayed. They knew the purchase was coming beforehand, didn't they?

2. I know this is a little bit of a pet-peeve...but when people chew with their mouth open...or talk with a mouthful of chewed up food LOL!

3. Okay, I'm on a roll with this store thing: I hate it when something is on sale that you really need, and the shelf is empty. Rainchecks just make you feel worse.

4. When the person that got to the four-way stop first just sits there, hoping that I go first. Then, like idiots...we both sit there. I mean...duh.

5. And finally, that SPRINT phone guy(in the commercials) with the long black coat.
I dunno...something about him that irks me.

Bonus: I'll throw one more in: The car in front of you that doesn't go when the light turns green.

Remember, you have been tagged.

Empty Room

2006-01-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

Blue Jean Blues

2006-01-09T00:02:00.000-08:00

Is it just me? Or does everyone have ONE pair of jeans that they always reach for? I think I have like six pairs of jeans. But there's only one pair that I think look good on me. People must think that I have no wardrobe. But if I'm going out in public, I want to be comfortable and 'hip'. I don't know why I buy so many when I have my 'favorite' ones. And I know they can't last forever. They even have some small tears near the top of the back pockets. So what do I do? I iron some patches on the holes. Once in a while, I will wear other jeans. But face it...your butt can't look good in all of them.
I thought about this the other day when I was going to a New Year's party.
Yeah...I know...I need a life LOL!

Back from the dead

2006-01-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm finally back to blogville. And I can't wait to see what everyone is up to now that the holidays are over and things are back to "normal".
I was tending to my mom who was sick with pneumonia. I was really worried there for a while. But she seems to be in full recovery now. It's good to see her smiling again.
Work was way busy last week too. My co-worker was off and I had to do a million MRI exams.
My sister and her family had a great time staying at my house here in 'Hell'amogordo LOL
I mean Alamogordo.
One thing I can't complain about is the weather here, it's always about 64 degrees.

Happy New Years fellow Bloggers

2005-12-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't had much time to blog lately, as I am entertaining my sister's family for the week. But I will catch up to everyone and visit your blogs in a couple of days.
I hope you all have a SAFE and Happy New Years celebration. I also wish you the best for 2006.
Thank You for visiting.

Cemetery Crying

2005-12-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged

2005-12-29T14:22:00.001-08:00

I've been tagged by Ari to list five weird things about myself. This shouldn't be too hard to do:

1. I'm not too keen on condiments, ESPECIALLY Mayonnaise. I don't like the taste or the consistency. Yeah, I know....what you're thinking LOL!
2. I like fried bologna. And I don't mind if my food is SLIGHTLY (I stress SLIGHTLY) burnt. I think it actually tastes better that way sometimes.
3. I don't drink water. Believe me, if you lived in Alamogordo, you wouldn't either. And bottled water just doesn't do it for me.
4. I ALWAYS sleep on my back. I don't like getting up with my face looking like a wrinkled potato.
5. I will always believe that there was a second gunman on the grassy knoll.

random thoughts on the 'not so obvious'

2005-12-28T23:20:00.000-08:00

I am not a negative person. I like to think of each day as a fresh new canvas. It is my tendency however, to appreciate that which is not so obvious. There is beauty to be found there. It is that unique angle in which people of 'gothic' leanings tend to find common ground. That is why I am not afraid to express that part of myself...i.e. the appreciation of the not so obvious.
Nor do I think it a good idea to take life too seriously. We all need to laugh at even ourselves once in a while.
What's my point? None really. I just thought I'd say that here on my blog, because like everyone else, I just want to be appreciated for who I am with no apologies. In this day and age, that's no given. I've had my fair share of stones thrown at me.
And again, to those of you who do, thanks for visiting. I enjoy all your blogs. Peace.

Fallen Dreams

2005-12-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

It's not over yet

2005-12-27T14:37:00.000-08:00

My Christmas in Denver was drama-free, and my daughter was so excited to see me. So all in all...it was well worth it.
And now, my sister(with her husband and son) is coming to visit for New Years. I love my sister. She is one year older than me and we've been close ever since we were kids.
The funny thing is, they are millionaires (no joke) and are very very humble people. Her husband has one of the most lucrative plumbing businesses in Chicago. They take care of everyone in their extended families. God bless them because they are very giving and wonderful people.
So I am looking forward to them staying at my house, 'cause we are going to do it up on New Years eve.
For right now, that's it. I will post more later. I've been checking out everyone else's blog, because frankly, they have more interesting Christmas tales to tell.

Gift exchange

2005-12-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

At work, when everyone says the secret Santa exchange limit is $25, it should mean just that. I spent $27. Now my co-worker says he spent $60 (what a cool Santa he is). Someone else said they spent fifty. Now, I feel like maybe I didn't live up to expectations. But darn it, I'm just doing what they suggested.
I'm not going to complain about the cost of Christmas, but I do tend to go overboard. When I'm shopping, I feel like "maybe this just isn't enough", especially when it comes to my daughter (who is 4 and living in Denver with her mom) or nephews and nieces.
But when all is said and done, I don't feel so bad seeing all those smiling faces. It's all good.
It's off to Denver I go..............

Have a very Merry Christmas

2005-12-22T14:55:00.000-08:00

I will be away from my Blog this weekend. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas. It is a time to be thankful for all that has been brought into our lives.
Thank You to all who have stopped by here. I am somewhat new to this, but it has been a very enjoyable experience. I've really enjoyed visiting everyone else's blog.
Just thought I'd share that with all you fellow 'bloggers'.
Peace.

A Single Flame

2005-12-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

Angel

2005-12-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

Sad but true

2005-12-20T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have a younger brother who is incarcerated for one year (drugs). He has three kids. His wife has two from a previous relationship, which brings the total to FIVE kids. They are living on the edge financially, and I feel for the entire family. They are really poor.
Well, for reasons that only powers greater than I can understand, my bringing the kids over to watch The Fantastic Four the other night turned out to be a really bad idea. I have a 52-inch HDTV with a surround sound system hooked up to it. I even made popcorn...I wanted the kids to enjoy something nice.
The parents have been fighting and are not speaking, and the families have taken sides. My own family is upset at me for doing what I did! They said that the kids, at the very least, could have sent their dad a Christmas card (even if he is incarcerated). One member of my family said she will never do anything for any of those kids again.
I felt like I committed a crime for bringing the kids over. Give me a break, his kids are 2, 3, and 5 years old; do they have the wherewithall to get together and start sending Christmas cards out? That's on their Mom's shoulders, don't blame the kids. That's what I think.
And don't hold the fighting and lack of Christmas spirit on the kids...that's what my family (except for my mom)has done.
I care about the kids, it's not about their mom and dad. Nobody in my family except me has brought them presents either. What a shame

Today's Joke

2005-12-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

An electrician, once charged with battery, died before being recharged. Reactions were both positive and negative.

On being 'goth'

2005-12-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

On my profile I list that I have "Gothic" interests. I fully realize that the use of this term in and of itself is enough to scare people away.
First off, I am a Christian. Second, my intentions and aspirations in this life are good ones. I have a good heart at that.
I believe that some people are by nature attracted to the 'dark' and 'mysterious'.
To elaborate: I chose to read Edgar Allen Poe while everyone else was reading Huckleberry Finn. I perferred the music of Black Sabbath(whom I might add, are not 'devil worshippers') over Journey or Aerosmith (whose music I also enjoy). I do not 'hate' anything. Intelligence and respect are necessary to be 'goth'. That's the way it's always been.
I do not always 'conform' to the 'norm'. Nor do I necessarily embrace 'mainstream society' with open arms, so to speak. All black clothing represents is a renunciation of mainstream society....it doesn't mean anything bad or imply clandestine intentions. Priests do it all the time, and for the same reasons.
The majority of people associated with the gothic subculture are good people. The few bad apples have given the masses a wrong depiction of the typical 'goth'. Many of us are christians. Others who do stupid things are shunned by goths.
I should know, I've embraced the 'gothic' concept all my life, and I do and have always followed a good path.

Christmas blues

2005-12-15T12:51:00.000-08:00

As if we weren't already under a noticeable degree of stress, the holidays are upon us to reel in just a little bit more. Don't get me wrong, I am capable of festive moods. And even though we have ample time to prepare for each Christmas...it sneaks up on us every time. To make matters worse, in Alamogordo, we don't enjoy the luxury of a diverse shopping experience. We basically have two main choices: Walmart or Kmart. The crowds at Walmart are unreal, and Kmart just doesn' t seem to have much 'shopping appeal' either. So, it's off to Las Cruces I go. It's not that bad a road trip mind you, but it's crazy in the mall and finding decent parking there is futile at best. Guess I'll have to seriously consider catalog shopping next year.
Other than the shopping, I am looking forward to seeing family and friends this year. And at least, Christmas makes everyone's children happy.
In the end, we've got to count our blessings...there are a lot of people in the world less fortunate than us.

courtesy Deviant Art

2005-12-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

Laughing, yawning.. at the Dentist...or...?

2005-12-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

The concept of discipline

2005-12-12T07:35:00.000-08:00

Lance Armstrong is my hero (for overcoming many obstacles, namely cancer), as is Manfred Von Richtofen, as is John F. Kennedy...as are many other known or lesser known men and women.
One thing I've noticed is that successful people who overcome great odds all have the element of discipline instilled into their daily regimen and basic philosophy of approach. It's not just famous people either, but basically any person that has a measurable degree of success in their life.
I consider myself somewhat of a disciplined person, but could I do better? *cough* Hell yes I could.
But what does discipline really mean?
I guess it means diligently pursuing ones goals, no matter the temptations to do otherwise. It means taking care of oneself. In a nutshell, what it means is: getting our shit together and running a tight ship for ourselves.
Refraining from overindulgence, diligence, respect for life and the laws that govern it, fulfilling obligations, pursuing goals, setting high standards, etc. And the funny thing is, most people do seem to actually welcome a degree of discipline in their lives
Too much of one thing can kill you...or so they say. The worst part is that all the fun things in life are considered bad for us. Abstaining from overindulgence in something enjoyable is no easy task either. I guess we have to know and respect our limits (yes, I think we do have them).
This Monday morning, as it were, I am thinking about the concept of discipline (and I have no idea why). What I've concluded up to this point is that in order to succeed at something, discipline is absolutely, without a doubt, necessary.
...and right now as it stands, my vices outweigh my virtues...... I've got some work to do.

She said destroy

2005-12-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

I promise I won't bite.....

2005-12-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

thin crust please...

2005-12-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

Someone was talking about Chicago pizza vs New York pizza the other day. I lean towards the Chicago style. I hate it when pizza hangs down over your hand :D
That being said, IMO thin crust, brick-oven style pizza is the bomb. Pepperoni or barbecue chicken. Hmmm, maybe I lived in Denver too long. They've got some of the best little-known pizza places in the world, and they've got some great thin-crust.
This weekend I am going to visit some friends in Tularosa and Alamogordo. I need to do that more often...stay in touch and mingle and all that jazz. I feel like being more social these days. I was a little depressed the last couple of months (for what I think was a valid reason). And the funny thing is, when your depressed, mingling isn't exactly the first thing you want to run out and do. So I must be on the right track! TGIF

Cold In The Desert

2005-12-08T06:28:00.000-08:00

It really does get cold here in Alamogordo (in the mornings and at night anyway). But how can I complain when I lived in Denver for a long time? I guess animals hibernate for a good and obvious reason: it gets too friggin' cold in the winter sometimes to do anything other than stay warm! Not to mention that there is absolutely no food for them to eat.
One thing I notice is that during the winter seasons, our houses are pretty buch bug free. Skiing is a lot of fun too. It's also a nice time to cozy up to someone and stay warm...or to sip your favorite hot beverage and read or watch a movie...or blog.

Alone

2005-12-07T20:43:00.000-08:00

Creativity

2005-12-06T07:55:00.000-08:00

I think creativity is underrated in this day and age. Whilst the trappings of everyday life occupy busy and frenzied minds, creative urges become like a dessert that's never eaten...and ultimately, thrown out.
Something that appeals to me in regards to checking out everyone's blogs is: seeing how creative people actually are when given the plaform in which to freely express. I can't imagine how dull life would be without art, even in its most subtle forms. It will be a point of mine to appreciate at leastone piece of a art or form of creativity each day.

Winter

2005-12-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

Winter is serenity. I was born in the fall. Does the season one is born in reflect something about them? Hmmm, something to ponder anyway.

Fridays and the concept of a three-day weekend

2005-12-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

Fridays seem to bring in a sense of relief from the hectic world that we inhabit day in and day out during the week. Is the weekend too short? My answer would be a resounding yes...why not a three-day weekend? Maybe it depends on the line of work involved. The Good Book says that Sunday should be the day of Sabbath and rest. Maybe it's just a general guideline saying that at least one day should be reserved for spiritual enlightenment and reflection.
Well, whatever the reason for a two-day weekend, my iconoclastic way of thinking will always prevail and err on the side of a three-day weekend.
Wishful thinking......

Breeze

2005-11-30T18:53:00.000-08:00

Much like the breeze, we come and go
randomly... with a purpose
For some we do good
For others an aberration we are
If only we could yield
to those more powerful
and of lesser strength
Perhaps we could
Perhaps we should
Less than perfect are we
as is all of creation.
It's wonderful while it last
One of the best parts is
not knowing where you'll end up
from one day to the next.
Much like the breeze
we are.

Not enough sleep

2005-11-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

Well, lately, I haven't been able to sleep much. When things in one's life take indiscriminate turns for the worse, sleep sometimes has to be induced by whatever means possible. Know what I mean? How do you manage to get a good nights rest when all your mind wants to do is think?